Why?

The idea? Publish a thrice daily account of everything I imbide, digest or consume for a year so as to attempt to guilt myself into losing weight by exposing any moments of frailty and weakness to the scorn and dismay of the general populace (well my mum and anyone else who accidently finds this).

The title? That came courtesy of a weasel of a child that I spent too much of my senior school career sitting next to. I am sure he was (and indeed now is) perfectly charming however given that we were both upset about our lowly rung upon the hierchical ladder, me because I was fat and retiring, him because he was short and unpleasant smelling we inevitably strayed towards each other and also tormented each other relentlessly. So, about the title, one day upon seeing me enjoying a Capri sun ( once I'd got the straw into the darn thing) he noted to our surrounding classmates that he had observed a number of fat types in his career and they all drunk Capri sun, a previously unknown trend. On another occasion he noted that they all had my hair cut too (short with a fringe as was the style of the time). Now whilst these gross generalisations were - I assume - total nonsense of the playground sort they have set the tone for the remainder of my time among the sweatier members of society. If anyone can prove to me scientfically that being fat, consuming capri sun and having short hair are in any way linked then please get in contact with me and drop a line to weight watchers immediately and tell them that they are wasting their time and that you have the secret to fatness and that they can stop buggering around with their points.


Assuming that this is not the case then the Capri sun incident represents for me the general attitude that people have towards fat people, and how being fat generally pervades all aspects of ones existence. I was at the optician last week as I had a sore eye and the friendly eye doctor gave me some drops and by way of an aside made a point of telling me that exercise is good for stress levels - now whilst I am sure this is true I decided that what he was really meaning was that I should exercise because I am fat and clearly I don't know that exercise helps fat people because if I did I wouldn't be fat. In the street people will actually stop and say alright big fellow, and whenever I order food I get a dissaproving look from the staff, if it's a pizza in their head saying - this is why u are fat, and if it's a diet coke and a salad saying - why bother you fatty. To be honest i can't remember ever ordering a salad but I am sure that is what would happen in any event. People at work refer to it in a joking way, people when out drinking feel the need to pat me on the stomach (my bum would do) - in fact one friend tried to play a drum solo on my stomach whilst we were dancing, another (supposedly a very good friend of mine) upon meeting my now fiancé asked was she not worried to sleep next to me in case I rolled over and flattened her! When I was younger and in holiday one boy I was friendly with referred to me as Pam on account of my moobs, my dad was so embarressed that he said I had to go up and threaten to punch the guy unless he stopped. So all unpleasant then...


Now clearly I have my part to play in this, I have eaten some of the most ridiculous things known to man kind - I have had additional lunches so often one would think there was a legitemate meal between 11 and 1 in your average day. I always make enough every meal to take a portion into work the next day for lunch and always finish it that night. I am never hungry but always eating.

Fat = lies? Of course fattys like me are rarely honest with you, I often tell people that I have a lot of natural muscle build and that is one of the reasons I weigh so much, that I actually eat quite healthily but just don't seem to burn it off, that I exercise fairly often etc - all utter bollocks - at least in my case it is - I am just greedy and weak willed.

So? A few months ago I decided a few things, I don't want to die because I am fat, that eating less and healthier and doing exercise was the only actual way to lose weight (shock horror!), and that lying to yourself and others about food was central to the never ending spiral of fat and under boobsweat in which I found myself.

With this in mind I decided to begin my daily diary (for the 3rd or 4th time) but more on that later. I would write down each day everything that I ate (good bad or immoral) and tell someone about it so as to cement it in some way. This was originally to take the form of a daily email to my mother and fellow dieting amigo to start with the chance that a wider roll out could be undertaken at some point as my story began to get famous and people got behind me. Given I have already tried this a few times and failed I thought I would wing my daily emails of food hell out to the wider web to see if the guilt of having to own up to the Internet would help.

The principal aim in this was of course to lose weight, however I suppose also I wanted to know if thin life was any different to that of the fat man. Would people look at me on the tube and think I am happy sitting next to him as he has no boob sweat, or would they recognise me for the fraud that I was, a former fatty trying to masquerade as a martini person? If nothing else it is my wedding in 18 months time and, as my fiancé pointed out to me, I don't want another set of photos that I hate.

Any way, the diet starts tomorrow so I bid you farewell till breakfast...